you traded sex for a burrito?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
