i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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