after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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