I checked into jail on foursquare
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
