Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
