I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
