I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
