Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
