at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
