we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
