Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
