I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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