Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
