My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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