Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
