There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this just has baby written all over it
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
