I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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