Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
