i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
