opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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