i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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