Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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