yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
