then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I believe in your delicious
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
