i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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