I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Mom said you looked used
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
