Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
