Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
