I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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