Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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