So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
