and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
