Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
