sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
