I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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