Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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