whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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