apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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