I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
