they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
