where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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