I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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