Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
