You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
