I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
