I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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