my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
