At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I deserve this hangover.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
