sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
