Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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