my mouth tastes like poor choices
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
