look no pants
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
